Something To Think About and Journal Notes

SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT

“I hold it true, whate’er befall, I feel it, when I sorrow most; ‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”.

      This phrase originates from Alfred, Lord Tennyson’s 1850 poem, In Memoriam A.H.H.  Tennyson wrote the poem in response to the profound grief he felt after the death of his close friend, Arthur Henry Hallam.  The above was the full quote.                                                      

JOURNAL NOTES

    This writing is for Cumpy.  On October 22, his little body could not sustain him and we had to make the decision to let him go.  Although I know it was right, it does not comfort the pain in my heart and even to this date I am heartsick and I am an empty vessel performing functions automatically without feeling , without happiness.  I included this small part of the poem of Tennyson even though it has been used so many times in reference to romantic love.  But he did not write it in that way, he wrote it while engulfed in the anguish of loss of a friend he loved.  I am reminded that we all lose what we love at some time in our life and many of us have lost what we love in many forms.  But this loss I feel now and what has disrupted my peace, left me drifting without direction, is for Cumpy.  I give my tears freely and without embarrassment because I always believe the depth of pain in one’s heart is always equal or deeper even than the love we hold.  There was no love I could give Cumpy that was more than what he gave me.  I will learn to live with this loss as we all must live with what we lose, but realize that the passage of time is the only thing that can make this bearable.  I don’t want the memory of this pain to pass, only to become bearable to live.  Every time I think of him I want all the joy and all the sadness to be as real now that he is gone as when as was with us these twelve and a half years.  As long as we remember him, he is alive.  He brought happiness when things were not and made everything better when when they were not.  He made us better than we are and we will never forget him and all the little things he did.  I loved him and I always will.

     We all live and we all die; there is no escape from this reality.  My own experience at one point in my life removed the fear of death from me.  But I always wanted to stay as long as I could because I believe this life to be beautiful and I didn’t want to miss anything.  But what I have come to realize through Cumpy’s death is that we all accumulate pain in some way throughout our lives whether it be physical or in our heart.  We all manage it the best we can, but carry it with us.  But when the time of our own death arrives, so does release.  We let go and don’t carry it anymore.  In this way death is a friend that we should welcome when our time arrives, not something to be dreaded and feared.  Until then, we must live with what life has given us and be thankful for all the wonderful memories.  I would again gladly take these past twelve and a half years of pure joy even knowing I must pay this price of loss.  To Cumpy I say, Thank you for being in my life and I will always love and miss you.

    I pen these words for myself, but I will not give Roger’s without his permission.  Sometimes pain is too deep to share openly.  But I know his love and his pain runs deep.